so it's been a while since i posted.

At the beginning of this month I went to the Dr. because I am still sick. He suggested that it's time to figure out what is wrong with me. Yes, after almost half a year of unexplained stomach problems now is the time to get to the bottom of it. So since then I've had about a gallon of blood removed from my body for testing & an ultra sound. Tomorrow I have to meet with a gasterologist or whoever you spell it and hopefully he will have some answers. But honestly. I've given up hope. Last night I got a call from my doctor telling me that I now also have to see a blood specialist (not sure what they're called. something with an "h") because there's an abnormality in my blood cells or something so they just want to watch it over the next few months. I have no idea what all this means. I just know that somethings wrong and I want to get better.
I'm sure that being cooped up at home isn't helping me much. My only companions here are my dogs. I have been clinging to facebook like it's my life line. In all reality though facebook is the most depressing site online. I desperately try to reach out to everyone. Even if I can't think of anything to say I at least "like" their status or picture or wall post. Yet the only notifications I get are for other people. Such as "x" also commented on "y's" wall post. Its an endless cycle of disappointment that pulls me into a deeper depression and overall loneliness. And its all so ironic because I left myspace in an effort to stop the pointless posts from random people that only wanted gratification from contact with another. And now I'm dying to know how many people actually view my profile in a day. So I've decided to try and cut back on the facebook.
This is where yoga comes in. Its supposed to be a healing exercise. mentally & physically. So with all my stomach problems and social cravings this can only help. Why not try at least? What else do I do? And what do I have to loose? Nothing. And if I fail, no one knew. I fantasize that someone somewhere is reading this. Even thousands of people. But i'm not an idiot. This is my diary more than a public forum.
I'm trying yoga.
Wish me luck

SO. this past week i've been mega sick. like no joke. i'm feeling a lot better today though which i'm pumped about.
today i also ordered this work out thing called INSANITY. and let me tell you. it looks insane.
it should be here at the beginning of next week and i am stokeddd.
i want to get my ass beat lol and then on top of that steve and i are gonna run.
so i probably will be pretty drained these next couple months. but let me tell you. i need it.
i also got a bunch of new shirts (no pants because that and swim suits will be my reward after INSANITY lol)
AND we got a new washer and dryer. all which should be coming this week sometime.
i'm crossing my fingers for that anyway.
my birthday is coming up soooon. i'm super excited to be 21.
but honestly, i don't care too much. i'm more excited about INSANITY.
the first 30 days of it are only 30 min work outs so running should be easy to fit in there.
but then the last 30 days. ughh. they're hour work outs. soooo i'll be pretty beat.
BUT i am going to do it. it was 154 bucks. of course i'm gonna do it.
plus i just need to challenge myself. i'm bored.
right now i have to figure out what my work schedule is.
steve works tomorrow at 3. so hopefully i work like...not at all lol
i wanna start training for this workout so i go into it as prepared as i can.
wish me luck! i'm gonna start a youtube blog about it.
i'll post it later.
much <3

weird

utah is weird. like. another planet. well. more like an alternate universe. its creeepy. i want normal people back. and i feel like utahan's think i'm the weird one....i guess here i am. but in any other state i wouldn't be. i wish i could describe it. just can't. everyone is just so innocent....like the grown-up version of barney. bleeechh.

i'm sick of my job. idc that i get free tanning. i have nothing to wear to the job and when i think i do its "too casual" or "too revealing" wtf ever. shit. go to church if you don't wanna see me in a tank top sweater combo. fuckkkk. and i'm sick of working til close or 7 every night. its ridiculous. and then when i asked to change my availability so i could see steve for once and so he didn't have to walk to work, i was told you look for a new job. and hey, i am. but its not that easy. its ridiculous. fucking mormons.

i made the gayest song. ever. steve loves it though. thinks its good or something...catchy i think. not good haha.

i hate that steve is in the airforce. i think though i rely too much on steve for support. what am i gonna do with my life? working on it i guess. i miss school. i miss ny...but only because thats where all my good friends are and most of my family lives/visits.

i'm working out today. football season is over. and so is my laziness i guess. gotta start somewhere. eating healthy would be helpful too. working on that. i think once financially we know where we are, it'll be easier to revamp. badaboom.

i want summer. i always want summer. hawaii would be great. we need a vacation.

maybe if we didn't need a washer & dryer we would just save our tax return for a vaca. but oh well. we can't take any time off until steve is done with his cdc's anyway. =/

i just wanna get outta here. i think we're both going crazy.

today i was thinking about the notebooks we used to pass around in middle school writting notes to each other. lol hey waz ^?! n2mgoh.....hahahh idk why we thought we were so cooool! i wish i kept one at least. it'd be fun to read those hahah

i need to clean. and work out. booo

i like to write. and i like to read. reading helps me get away from what my life is and lets me be someone else. writing helps me get something out through different situations. same feelings sometimes. but it could be a completely different scenario. its hard to explain. singing is kind of the same way.

i don't think either way is really the best. when i do read/write/sing, i get too into it. like i actually start to believe that that is how my life is. and then reality hits and is totally different.

today i woke up mad. idk why. probably some stupid dream or something. my dreams are so random. they're really close to real life. like i'll be at school or the mall or my church or house. nothing crazy or really amazing. i wish i could dream like that. most of the time when i dream i'm at church someone always ends up dying, or trying to kill someone. that can't be too good. i've always wanted find out what my dreams mean. sometimes i'm too scared to really look into though. totally irrational. but true.

so anyway. i woke up. and for some reason the first thing i grab is my ipod so that i can check facebook. i hate how dependent i am on facebook it connect with people. am i really that much of a loser that my social activity only takes place through facebook? well. yeah. and that scares me. my phone has been off for a few days because its broken. and i have barely noticed. the only texts i really get are from steve. and even thats not very many. i used to always be on my phone. i would get calls all the time. there would always be someone to hang out with or something to do. everything was fun. now i'm a loser. when did this happen?

sometimes i just want to go back and change stuff. nothing too significant. just tweaks. who knows what that would do though. i don't want to change anything now. anything significant. dumb butterfly effect. something is severely lacking though. and i can't fill it. i'm going insane.

i think i might become an alcoholic.

stay tuned.

So I Started A BLOG

welcome to the 2000's, right?

uhmmmm...idk i'm 20 years old....and i'm married. living somewhere i never thought i'd be ever (utah). i have 2 australian shepherd's. my husband is in the air force. i work in a tanning salon (not my dream job, but it works) and i'm singing lots, but i can't keep anything for more than 24 hours lol. i'm super picky. and i really wanna run a 10k (with a really good time) by the end of the summer.

thats all i can think of for now. i'm not sure why i'm starting a blog. i'm just lonely i guess. its weird being thousands of miles from home and not knowing really anyone. it especially sucked when jenna died. i really would just loveee if i were incredibly wealthy and could make a trip back at least once a month and fly people out here. lol but thats a hefty wish.

it just drives me crazy how people like audrina patridge and spencer whatever his name is have millions while people who really deserve it struggle more than they deserve to. blechh.

ANYWAYYYY

my work schedule and steve's is really hard. i feel like the only time i see him is when we go to bed. he has to work this weekend. and tonight i work from 5 til close and then tomorrow from 9-4. so basically i live at the salon. this coming tuesday i work fro 10 hours. ridiculous. thats 1/3 of my weekly hours in one day. i can't wait til we get to the point where we have more control over when and where i can work. if i had it my way i'd just sing. buuuttt that wont pay the bills lol

working out has been a joke. i do like nothing....haha. but i'm gonna start doing more again....sometime. maybe if i actually ever gained weight and it stuck, i'd get some motivation. but i kinda have motivation i guess. because i wanna look better. i hate static. i want to be dynamic. who doesn't? how boring would life be if it was all static. maybe thats why i change my hair so much.

i really want an ipad.

steve really wants his best friend to come out to visit.

i really want to visit home this summer.

working out will just have to become a lifestyle before its too late and my metabolism goes wayyy down.

i wanna buy lots of clothes i can't afford.

sorrry its so random. thats just how it is.